November 1, 2016

Today I have decided to start on a big journey. One that I know will not be easy but I know will ultimately bless myself and my family. I hope it also will inspire and help someone else. I have always loved God but I being weak haven't always put Him first. I can't keep living this life without Him having a strong presence in it. I know that I can't. I need Him. So today, I am starting the journey to seek Him..truly seek Him.

In life, there are tough times. Today was my breaking point. I screamed, cried and begged. I sank to my knees in our bedroom and let it all out! I had been having so many doubts in myself and really feeling convicted. I felt like things were slipping out of control. But then I realized, it shouldn't be in MY control. It should be in God's control. So there I am on my knees giving my life to God and asking Jesus to come into my heart. Afterwards, I felt peace. Peace that lasted for awhile and gave me the energy to leave our room and start fighting again. Fighting the Devil because I wanted my family restored! That I wasn't ready to give up and that with God on my side, that I would prevail.

I started the Love Dare. If anyone is familiar with the movie FireProof then you know exactly what I am talking about. A gentleman finds his way to God and begins the Love Dare to save himself and his marriage. I am tired of sticking bandaids on my marriage. I am ready to really fight for him. Anyone that knows us, knows we are meant to be. It is obvious as the day is long. We have been through so much but yet we stuck through it all. I noticed we had not been the love and attention in it that we needed to and our marriage was beginning to suffer. Big time. I love him and have always tried to support him but I have come up short too. So today, I am going to enclose what I wrote to my beautiful husband and then the one I wrote later to God.



(the one I wrote to my Nick)
I am starting a journal to you today about my journey that I have began. It's a big one! And it's the right one. I will fill you in on the details later but for now, I want you to know that you are precious and loved so very much! I don't say it often enough but you are. And I want to say I hope you can forgive me for all trespasses. If you don't, it will hurt but I will have to live with it. I do forgive you. I am praying so hard for you and I hope you are feeling it.

Until tomorrow,
Your Girl


So just a quick note on this..I am not sharing any of this with him right now. I am trying to give him his space and hope to share this at the right moment.


(the one I wrote to God)
I don't want to cry anymore today. I just want to know that I can fight in this battle. That I am prepared to. I had a window today where I felt peace. Peace that it was all going to be okay. And that I had to keep on fighting. Minus what problems we have had, we have always had an amazing relationship. He knew he could always count on me. I declare now God to please put up a wall between him and other women. And Tyler. I want him to be closer to you too. It's not just for me. I want him to find his eternal salvation with you. Please help me be stronger tomorrow and love harder.



The Love Dare today was to simply not say anything negative. I had already been working on that so I felt God was already preparing me. I wanted to text him and say various things all day but I refrained. When he said he was going to eat after work, I normally would have yelled and went off. But I said ok. I was agreeable and didn't say anything negative. By me doing so, he came home later and we talked alot about the kids and just various things. Watched the end of the Cubs games and he opened up to me about his day. We went to bed together and went to sleep. Just by me not being negative today, opened up something. I know sometimes he feared telling me things b/c he knew I would get upset. I hope tomorrow is better.